Friday, July 26, 2013

They're not relationSHIPs; They're relationTITANICs

Look. I get it. I'm a crazy person.  I'm tired. Not like, "Whoa, that was a crazy week!" tired. I'm tired to my core.  I'm doing things to help refill my tank.  But instead of getting low, and refilling. I'm running on fumes, and getting a gallon of gas to tide me over until I'm running on fumes again.

Which means, of course, is that I'm a mediocre employee, a pretty crappy wife, and an abysmal friend.  I can't commit to anything, ever. Because Ben may start running a fever at any minute and I'm in the hospital fighting for his life with him for 8 days.  Because Ben gets emotional and clingy and I have to be present for those moments.  Because I am already dealing with judgement and guilt for maintaining my job (that I still LOVE so much).

Mom stayed with Ben in the hospital last week.  She met a father of an infant who was admitted for jaundice. The father all but called me a horrible person for not staying with Ben in the hospital.  He pretty explicitly stated that I was a bad mother.  He said I was greedy for keeping my job.  He said a lot of other things that I know you have thought as well.  I know you have, because I have.  Trust me, no one is harder on me than me.  I'm doing the best I can.

It's no secret Mike and I have gone to counseling in the past and are at present.  (We usually wear at as a badge of honor! Judge if you must, but we're ridiculously and absurdly in love with each other and don't care what anyone thinks, we're going to work for our marriage and this love.)  We believe in mental health like you believe in physical health.  The way you eat kale and hit the gym, we go to the therapist.  It's about health for us, and we recommend going for any reason.  That said, we are trying so hard to keep our marriage strong.  But it's weakened. Marriages are an entity unto themselves that require nourishment, work, and attention.  We have none of that to spare right now, so of course the marriage is going to feel the pain.  (No one panic. We're not in "trouble", it's just not ideal. Don't send that "The Morris's are getting divorced" text.  Unless of course you like the taste of crow.)

My friends must be so sick of me. I'm distracted. I'm not focused. I'm pretty self-absorbed.  I'm a flake and noncommittal.  It's been interesting to watch a few drop off or get angry.  But it's also been incredible seeing others come in strong.  The ones who just keep trying, keep texting, keep e-mailing, keep talking to me.  I believe there's a country song somewhere in there...

So what's it like when your kid has cancer?  Well, a predictable "it sucks" comes to mind.  I will never be the same. My relationships will never be the same.  But I bet they end up stronger, better, and will certainly be more appreciated.


  1. I'm a huge fan of counseling. It's like you almost pop a balloon and you make "that face". You know the pop is coming and it surprises you anyway. Sometimes I can feel the frustration coming and know I'm about to pop anytime.
    Keep going forward. Forget the past.

  2. I completely disagree with whoever insinuated that you are a bad mom. That is total garbage. There is nothing wrong if your family is able to help you while you work, it is your livelihood, after all. It us so hard to juggle everything, it is so much harder for you. I have immense respect that you are so strong, kids will learn to be strong when they observe their parents overcome adversity, the way you guys do. So how can you be a bad mother?